For those who do not already know, I collect my thoughts in writings. But don't expect much – you will find that more than half of them are unreadable and too abstract to understand (most of the time due to my laziness for a better articulation rather than my philosophical intellect, unfortunately).
I believe that some self-introspect is worth sharing. So, please allow me to do so.
Reading through my 2020 journals, I came to realise that I had been challenged a lot by the very fine line between being bold and being reckless – or rather, being reasonably adventurous and being irrationally rebellious. So, in short, I have been on both the top and the bottom of the roller coaster. I have felt what it feels like wanting to get out of my own self because of how painful it is to face my own failures and grief. But I have also experienced what it means to say "what a ride!" Again, those who know me well often label me as someone who was ultimately straight as an arrow (whatever that means). But this year has particularly moved my ground – not in a negative connotation; but there have been some consequences of my own life choices that just... how do I say it... made me wanna rip my face off. But, you know... no crying over spilt milk. Sunk cost is sunk cost. Although, it is intriguing how much these encounters have taught me what self-forgiveness means, and therefore, what genuine mercy towards others mean.
I am also baffled by the fact that I am not as predictable as I thought I would be. I have surprised myself one too many times, not only by what I wanted, but also by how much I wanted it and my intention to pursue it. Of course, intention is never unidimensional; but it is only when I started being completely honest about the fact that I could be wrong, that is when I was most challenged by my learning and unlearning. And so the struggle for growth is not that of intellect but that of emotion. So... lesson #1: growing can be terribly hurtful. It's inherently ingrained in the very definition of growth: to grow is to admit that you have limitations. And to accept that within you, you will see and admit that you can be wrong, you can be weak and that there are things in the world you just cannot understand – and therefore, just cannot control. A hard truth to swallow.
This isn't necessarily a 2020 lesson for me, though, quite surprisingly. Life introduced this to me in 2019; but never had I been this emotionally affected by how this lesson had challenged me this year. And mind you, I am not one that easily gives up to my emotions. But I am one that often thought that there should be an explanation to why things take place and only when I understand it, I would be able to rationalise my reaction and the emotions thereof. But perhaps the most frustrating part is not really the fact that we cannot control or understand the situation – but perhaps, it is the fact that as a human, I want someone to be responsible (to blame) for things that happen in my life. But lesson #2: I was proven wrong.
Upon reflecting this, someone I trust most told me, "sometimes that hardest thing to do is to accept that things happen and the only thing you can do is accept it."
If progress is a struggle, then I should not evade struggles. It only means that I should choose my struggles wisely. So here comes lesson #3: some things are worth the investment and some others just belong in one of those closed books. I, for one, was particularly sceptical towards the notion of "I cannot wait for 2021 for a fresh start." For me, 2021 was just another day. 00:00 to 00:01. But actually, if a new year symbolises a fresh start, and a fresh start symbolises a new progress, then yes, I cannot wait.
P. S. I told you my self-reflections can be too abstract. You knew what you were getting into – now you are just as baffled as I am.
P. P. S. Here are some bonus lessons (I may or may not elaborate more in the future, depending on how busy I am).
Lesson #4: the best thing someone has ever said to me this year is "you are my best friend. I may not agree with your decision, but I do not love you any less."
Lesson #5: I have yet to figure out how to be more selfless. Isolation made it hard to (or has become an excuse). But... one step at a time.
Just some random thoughts worth sharing.